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Random Musings
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 Title photo done in Canva I have been a stay-at-home mom since the summer of 2007. I love my job. But there’s always been a silent, nagging enemy sitting on my shoulder. Guilt. He rears his ugly head and tries to convince me my decision to be at home is wrong and I should get a “real” job. It’s grown larger since my son entered kindergarten in 2013. Who was I to be at home when both of my kids were in school and my husband was working all day? Maybe it’s the hidden stigma of working at home. People assume you have nothing better to do with your time because you don’t actually “work” and can shift those responsibilities around because you do have flexibility. I read a great article about the stigma from Enteprenuer Magazine titled “4 Things No One Tells You About ‘Entrepreneur-ing’ From Home.” There’s a hidden expectation when your kids are school-aged and you’ve been a stay-at-home mom, you return to the workforce. I go back and forth between this often, sometimes allowing it to consume me to the point I don’t get anything done. It feeds my depression and anxiety. Guilt has often determined my worth as a mother and wife. I’ve let guilt convince me the decision I made to be home was wrong. What was I doing to myself by leaving the workforce? Were my kids really gaining anything by me being home? Why wasn’t I contributing financially? How could I focus on my writing when I didn’t have the means to help fund it by working?  Photo by FirmBee via Pixabay CC Somewhere along the way I convinced myself I had to make money outside of the home to make my family better, to make me better. If I was contributing financially I would be helping out. If I made more money I wouldn’t feel so guilty for being at home, especially now with writing, art, living with mental illness and chronic pain. The doctor bills often pile up, which is hard to process when I feel like I'm not contributing to the income. Deep down, truth is, this is where I’m supposed to be. I feel it in my soul, knowing my “calling” as some may say. Being here to play a game with my kids after school or know they’ve had a bad day and I’m there for them is important to me. Being able to spend quality time with them instead of frazzled, unconnected time (which would be the case for me if I returned to the workforce) is important to me. Spending quality time with my husband is important to me. Being here with my family and for my family is important to me.  Photo by Christy Zigweid - All Rights Reserved I have been truly blessed in this life and it’s time I start owning that. What do I do for a living? I’m a writer, mother, wife, card maker, scrapbooker, amateur artist, and blogger. Period. All of those things are where my talents lie. My passion is giving to my family, where I want and need to be. It is where I feel connected and worthy. For me, writing, making crafts, doing art, and taking care of my family is the thing I HAVE to do. Without it my life would be incomplete. And when I find myself leaning toward doubt and whether I made the wrong decision, I just remind myself, I am living my calling. What are your thoughts about following your own path and being being a stay-at-home mom/working mom? Let me know in the comments section or send a private message using my CONTACT ME page. If you are in crisis and need immediate medical assistance, call 911 or the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273- (TALK) 8255 or text "Start" to 741-741
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 Photo by Christy Zigweid (all rights reserved) Many times a day I ask myself “What is right?” What is right thing to do? The right thing to say? The right way to act? The right way to feel? The right way to behave? The right way to...(fill in the blank). And as I’m sitting here tonight I am asking myself those questions. Parenting has been very challenging lately. My emotions are out of whack with a medicine transition, and my chronic pain is seemingly getting worse although we are trying physical therapy for the pain.
Today it was all I could do to make breakfast. I rested a lot today; rested my mind and my body. I have so many projects waiting that need my attention from home projects to daily living chores and to many creative projects. I know they will all get done sometime but when the chronic pain and low mood set in, it’s hard to get anything done. Though on the verge of tears and wanting to jump out of my skin, I am thankful for my husband and my kids, who understand and help when needed. And I am thankful for my social media friends who post mood boosting posts and share their stories of everyday living. A solution will be found in time. I do have faith in that. And I have faith in my medical care team to make the right decisions. As my friend @kevinhinesstory says, #hopehelpsheal and remember to #beheretomorrow and ever day after that!  Image by AnnieSpratt via Pixabay CC Sometimes parenting is fun and sometimes it’s downright hard. Above all it’s a learning experience. My kids teach me something every day. Sometimes they help me see something I’ve been denying about myself. Sometimes they show me I am being too serious and need to lighten up. But today I wanted to share 5 things they taught me not to take for granted. 1. Honesty can be goodKids are brutally honest. They have no shame or filter in speaking their minds when they feel like it and don’t care how it affects you (especially when they are young). Sometimes what they say can be a rude awakening and there’s no denying on a deep level within ourselves what they say strikes a nerve. Sometimes it’s something we don’t expect and other times it’s something we know deep inside but are denying. Sometimes it cuts to the bone and other times we can laugh it off. But the real lesson for us is to be honest. Be honest with ourselves and when appropriate be honest with those around us. Be honest (always within reason) because telling a lie or denying the truth causes much more internal damage. Most of all, be honest because it’s the right thing to do. 2. Playing rejuvenates the soulIt’s a shame as a society when our kids hit a certain age they are seen as “too old” to play with toys. When my daughter was 12 she was right on the line of still being a kid and not yet a teenager. She liked to play with toys but also wanted more grown-up responsibilities and things to do. It’s sad she felt ashamed to admit such a carefree activity to her classmates because they will make fun of her. Play is a way for kids to be creative and use problem solving skills; things they will certainly need as they get older. But why do we as a society force this on our kids? I love to watch kids play, use their problem solving skills, and be creative, even if they are “beyond playing with toys.” Isn’t the true lesson for us to slow down and make sure we take time to “play?” Although we may not play with toys (even if some do, there’s nothing wrong with that — I love to color and watch cartoons!) it is important for us to take time to relax and do what is good for recharging our batteries. 3. Laughter is truly the best medicineThere is nothing more joyous than watching a child giggle about silly things. My son cracks up laughing because he remembers a face his sister made when she accidentally dropped her whole apple in apple dip. They laugh with gusto and they laugh until their stomachs hurt. Sometimes it’s so easy to get wrapped up in life and forget to just take time out to enjoy and laugh. 4. Love myself for who and what I am Most of the time I see it in younger kids. They don’t care if their clothes don’t match or their hair is a little messy. They aren’t out to prove to be someone or something else they are not. Have you ever noticed that little kids don’t worry about looking in the mirror and when they do it’s to laugh and make faces? They aren’t sitting there worrying about every little thing they hate about themselves. They are who they are and they do not apologize for that. 5. They are people tooThis is perhaps the hardest one and the biggest lesson I needed to learn. We get so wrapped up in teaching our children all of the values and ways to be in life as well as worrying about being a good parent that sometimes we forget our kids have feelings too. In my house we are firm believers in “treat others as you wish to be treated.” And I believe this goes both ways. If you treat your kids with respect they are more willing to treat you with respect as well. Life is forever a journey into the soul. It will never be without learning and growing. I am blessed every day to have kids who remind me what is true and good in this world and give me the wake-up call I sometimes refuse to give myself. What things have your kids taught you? I’d love to hear in the comments section below!
 AuthenticityI was asked last year to describe my blog in one word. For something that should have taken a while to come up with, it popped right into my mind: Authenticity. There are a lot of blogs out there as well as many writers. Everyone is looking for “the way” to make it and have their voice heard. I’m embarrassed to say you will find posts on my blog which fall flat on their face. Those blog posts were written because I felt I needed to get something out to my readers. But there are also meaningful posts where I was being myself. Authenticity matters to me because I don’t want to be like everyone else. I don’t want to “stand out” from the crowd. I write because I want to be true to myself as well as my readers, not some cut out cookie content mill. I write because I want my words to heal not only myself, but possibly help someone else going through the same thing. I write because I believe people should be true to themselves. And before you can be true to yourself, you have to want to learn about yourself. I’ve spent a lot of time doing this, partly because I’m an introvert and partly because I’ve battled mental illness since I was in high school. Years of therapy have helped me learn the good, the bad, and the downright ugly things I didn’t want to acknowledge, but have made me a better person. Authenticity MattersIt’s really easy to get pulled back into the trap of not being authentic and people do it for all sorts of reasons. It’s a plain and simple truth about human nature and especially hard when you are unsure of yourself. Our own fears, insecurities, and failings pull us back from being our authentic selves because they don’t like it when we stand up and say, “This isn’t working for me.” What the Hell is a Platform?When I started this writing adventure a few years ago, I had no idea what I was doing. All I wanted to do was join NaNoWriMo and write a book in 30 days. And I did. I wrote a book in 30 days. I was proud of my accomplishment. Then I started reading and believing what all the writers and marketers out there were saying about making a living as a writer. They said in order to be successful, you must have a “platform” and a “blog.” I remember thinking, “What the hell is a platform?” and "What the hell do I want to write about?" -- I'm still figuring this last one out! Losing YourselfI started searching and reading everything I could about building a platform. I set up my website and started blogging, continuing to read in an effort to convince myself I would become a better writer because of it. Then I started believing I “had” to do all those things to make it as a writer and gain readers. Because let’s be honest, without readers, writers wouldn’t have jobs. I believed in many of the falsities, and in the process lost “why” I was writing. In fact, I’d given up writing altogether because I was searching for “how to” be a writer instead of just being a writer. The truth is, as writers we still have our words and no one will ever be able to take that away from us. For that right, I am thankful. But there’s one small truth no one is acknowledging. You don’t have to do all that stuff if it’s not true to who you are and what you are doing. Let me repeat this: You don’t have to do all that stuff if it’s NOT TRUE to who you are and what you are doing. I recognized I was not being true to myself last fall and that’s why I dialed back on the number of writing blogs I was reading and the number of podcasts I was listening to. I’ve stopped blogging and writing altogether. I’ve fallen into the trap of believing I wouldn’t be good unless I did “X” again. And the more I believe this, the more I can't actually write. I wanted to be among that group of “successful” writers. I wanted to make it as a writer so bad that I unintentionally set myself up for failure. And guess what happened? I crashed. I do not handle failure well. I’m not sure anyone does. My writer insecurity took over and I began to second guess everything I’d done. My instinct was to delete everything it all because I’d convinced myself it wasn’t making a difference and that my writing flat-out sucked. I ignored the fact that first and foremost my writing should first be for me. And if someone else likes it, great. If they don’t, so be it. I ignored the fact that I started writing because I like to tell stories. In my attempt to “fix” this crash, I started to read more and more about how to be a better writer and build an audience This only left me not writing at all. I believed I was an awful writer. Any negative feedback shot me down. I started looking at my work with such a critical eye, my writing was no longer enjoyable. I believed in the false truth that I am a shitty writer. Why It's Okay to Make Your Own RulesI forced myself not to listen to all the nonsense out there about how to make it as a writer. And for a while I was doing better. But here I sit today, back in that spot of having to do “X” to be good, to be heard. And I have a confession to make. I’m not sure blogging is for me. Most times it feels forced and fake, inauthentic. I’m realizing the more I try to fight that simple truth, the more I push myself to be something I am not and create writing that is inauthentic. I’m right back where I started, afraid and discouraged, stuck in the writer’s hole of hell, wondering how I will get out. It cripples me and keeps me stuck. And while I believe many writers feel this way, having chronic depression and anxiety doesn’t help me pull out of the situation or look at things logically. Breaking the RulesToday there’s something different. I’m seeing it from a different angle and I am breaking the rules of the “experts.” I am taking the pop ups off my website. And I am not offering the free incentive readers get “only if” they sign up for my email list. I want people to sign up for my email list because they want to, because maybe I have something useful to say, not because I have to offer them something, coercing them into “giving” me their email. As writers, we lie to ourselves and convince ourselves we have to have people join our email list otherwise we aren’t successful. I want my writing to be useful, for myself and for you, my readers. If my writing isn’t useful for you, that’s great. If it is useful for you, that’s great too. But I cannot continue to ignore the nagging sensation of not being authentic. So, while I work through how I want to get my writing out there, I’m changing the rules to fit my authentic self. I cannot continue to have this war inside myself. I cannot continue being stuck inside my head. I want to write. I want to sell my work. And I refuse to put it out there if it isn’t authentic. What's Next?One of my favorite quotes is by Benjamin Mee: “All you need is 20 seconds of insane courage, and I promise something great will come of it.” Well, here’s my 20 seconds of insane courage, laying my thoughts and writing out on the line.
So what’s next? Well, that’s up to you. Are you willing to have 20 seconds of courage? Are you willing to look inside yourself and learn more? Are you willing to be true to yourself and not be what other people want you to be? If so, join me, and we will start this journey together.  In the distance, I can see,
Those whose lives are completely free. The chains that bind me threaten to kill, My strength is diminishing and I can’t stand still. I’m trying not to sink but it’s pulling me down, Voices constantly haunt me, And blackness is all around. I can’t get past the anger, self-doubt, and mistakes. Distortion has taken over, Convincing me to believe, I am not worth anything. Tired and lonely, Hating myself more all the time. Help me beat this raging war inside. I hear people say, Don’t give up so easily. Tomorrow is coming, And it will pass. Hold on for now, Help is coming fast. The life preserver is cast, And floats right before me. Do I reach a hold and go to shore? Or do I sink and let it all go? I’ve convinced myself this world is okay without me. But deep in my heart, I know it’s not true. For there are those who depend on me, Who anchor my feet so willing to fly. I can make it through this darkness, One step at a time. Help me see I am okay, Take this sadness, take this pain, Tear it away from me so I can start anew. Help me see and realize what is true. Calm and peaceful I can be, When sleep and calm thoughts are at my side. Tomorrow’s another day, There is light on the other side.  photo by stevepb via Pixabay We’ve had a lot of lemons thrown at us over the past few months. They’ve multiplied like little gremlins, taking over confidence, self care, and relationships within the family. They are like the endless winter which keeps hanging around, even though it’s April. I’m not tired of the cooler temperatures but I am tired of the lemons. They are starting to smell and eat away at me slowly. Today is the third day in a row I’ve been up at 5:30 am and let me tell you, I am NOT a morning person. Sleep is essential in my recovery process. And when I don’t sleep well I spiral quickly. I’ve been going through medicine changes which have caused my sleep to decline and my weight to pile on. The weight pile on has made my depression worse. I’ve tried to talk about my concerns with my therapist and those in my close knit group about weight and body issues but everyone seems to write it off and say it’s not a huge deal; reasoning everyone struggles with diet and weight. I’m not buying that. To some extent I know people struggle with it. But do they struggle with it so much that it COMPLETELY alters mood, self-esteem and daily life? I am also trying to learn how to live with chronic pain. Diagnosed with MPS (myofasical pain syndrome) this past year, I’ve had to learn how to live with flare ups and limited activity, which is hard for me. And here’s the catch. The medicine supposed to help with my pain is causing weight gain. And while I know many psychiatric medicines do have that side effect, it’s the one that troubles me most and makes my depression worse. So now I’m in a bind trying to decide: Do I keep on the Mrs helping the chronic pain or do I go off and deal with the pain? The past month has been a fog to me. In fact, I had lunch with my daughter the other day and I barely remember being with her. I often have memory problems, which I loathe entirely. It scares me for the future. My body moves around but my mind no longer moves with it. My mind is its own little person in a way, and it’s loving the depression and anxiety.  All Artwork and photos by Christy Zigweid - All Rights Reserved I’ve turned to art and sewing to help ease the pain of difficult days and try to keep myself busy. Being a SAHM is sometimes VERY lonely, especially when your kids are all in school. And I find pleasure in small moments. I’m making it work. I’m getting by. In the meantime, I’m still deciding if I want to make lemonade or throw them with great force back to wherever they are coming from. I hope you are not having a lemon kind of day. And if you are, know you are not alone. Take comfort in knowing it will get better in time and things will work themselves out (my husband tells me this all the time—but I’m not sure I believe him). We will have to wait and see how things pan out. Until next time, take care of you the best way you know how. Do what you love and surround yourself with coping strategies, lots of self-care and supportive people. And if you have to manage each day one minute at a time, then so be it. At least you are still moving forward. I am proud of you! I have a recurring memory every year around Black Friday. I'm standing in a store parking lot, waiting.
We move in small steps until finally we reach the door, and we weren't even at the end of the line. All of a sudden I'm in the middle of chaos. People grab shopping carts and push one another to get to the aisle they need. The moms get snippy with one another and I hear name calling and great big sighs. I look over and my mother is looking at me. "I'll go this way," she says pointing to the right of the store, "And you go that way." She nods her head to toward the left of the store. "And I'll meet you in the checkout!" I quickly walk down to where i need to go and that's when I see the worst of it. I'm in the toy isle with the other parents, watching in horror as they grab things from the shelf, push one another, and yell. When they are done. They act as if nothing happened and head out of the aisle. "There is NO WAY a toy is that important to me," I think to myself, as I stand in the aisle still staring.  Photo by Alexas_Fotos via Pixabay I tell myself if the gift is there I will get it and if not oh well, I didn't need it in the first place. I find what I wanted to get and head to the checkout. And as we left the store, I let out a huge sigh and felt the weight of the world fall off my shoulders, thankful we are done. But it doesn't last long as we pull into another store parking lot and people are acting just the same. I've never in my life seen grown women and men act like they did that day. I stopped going Black Friday shopping many years ago. As I grow older. I'm wondering how we all became so greedy to the point where we are thankful for what we have on Thanksgiving and the same night, or even the day after Thanksgiving we head right out to shop for everything we DON'T have (my daughter made the comment on Thanksgiving). I've been thinking about it ever since. It brings to mind a quote from The Grinch: "That's what it's all about, isn't it? That's what it's always been *about*. Gifts, gifts... gifts, gifts, gifts, gifts, gifts! You wanna know what happens to your gifts? They all come to me. In your garbage. You see what I'm saying? In your *garbage*. I could hang myself with all the bad Christmas neckties I found at the dump."
Dear Suicide:
Please stop trying to convince me I am not worthy of love, respect, feeling my feelings, and living. I have a mental illness but it doesn’t define me and I’m sorry you can’t handle that. I know you want my illness to take over and pull me into the depths of self-hatred. You get your power when I’m convinced I’m not worthy of this life.
You are a coward. And I’m done listening to you. Today I am taking my power back. Today I am going to take it one step at a time and turn my back on you. I no longer need your false validation to convince me people are better off without me, that this life is full of nothing but pain. I’m better off without you.
For so long I’ve sat with you on my shoulder, turning to you when life gets too hard, when I’m cruel to myself, and when others’ words hurt me. Surprisingly enough, you have been a comfort to me. Because I’ve always seen you as an option. But you are NOT and option any longer. You are NOT a comfort to me. You’ve fed off my insecurities and I’m sick of it. I hate you for intensifying my emotions and experiences to the point of feeling I have no other choice. I hate you for taking advantage of my weaknesses. I hate you for sitting on my shoulder and comforting me in my times of darkness. Today, I will join with my support system to kick you to the curb. While I’m not successful 100% of the time keeping you at bay, know that if you try to come back in I will kick you to the curb again and again and again. I will no longer let you control me. I will no longer miss out on the precious moments I too often fail to see. And most of all, I will no longer feed into your power and negativity. Because it is false. Because it is not the truth. And because I know deep down I am stronger than you. So good-bye suicide. Pack your bags and head to the door. You are no longer welcome here. Sincerely, I’m Too Strong For You If you’ve attempted suicide or thought of suicide, THANK YOU for holding on. I’m glad you are here.
Photo created using @WordSwagApp Photo by ElasticComputeFarm via Pixabay CC
**TRIGGER WARNING**
Suicide. It’s a nasty word we like to push under the rug and ignore. It’s an ugly stepsister and a relative we’d like to forget. But I assure you it is very real. And it’s time to start talking about it.
I’d like to share with you some statistics about suicide (http://afsp.org/about-suicide/suicide-statistics/):
Those are some staggering statistics, don’t you think?
I’ve never been personally affected by someone’s suicide before, but I have lived on the other side of suicide. It’s a horrible place to be. It tears at your soul and convinces you there is no other way and your loved ones are better off without you. You swear you are a burden to them. I’m here to tell you…nothing could be further from the truth. Our minds, when living with mental illness, are different. We aren’t martyrs or looking for attention. We are looking for a way out of the constant struggle and pain of living with mental illness. And in our minds, suicide is usually the only way out. When we get to this point, we can no longer make logical choices, especially when faced with strong emotions and thinking. When we get to this point, we are no longer in charge of ourselves. What to Do When the Emotions are Too Strong and You Want to Give Up
Take yourself in a quiet room and allow yourself to feel the awful emotions. Too often we medicate them or ignore them until they get so big we can’t ignore them. GIVE YOURSELF PERMISSION to FEEL those emotions. Release them in whatever way necessary, but do not punish yourself, harm yourself, or harm others. Do not let suicide win. Stay strong and know there is help.
Here are a Few Things you Need to Have
Taking care of yourself should be a priority as well. Eating right, exercising, and being kind to yourself should be part of your daily life.
If you fear for your safety, have someone lock up things which may be harmful to you; pills, guns, anything you can get away from your reach which you would use to harm yourself. This is not a sign of weakness or that you are a horrible person. It’s just that right now, you can’t be trusted with those things. And you have to allow yourself to let others protect you when you cannot protect yourself. Lastly, it’s important to have a safety plan (you can find a copy of one HERE), because the truth is, suicide may likely come up, and you need to have a plan for combating it, especially when you can’t think clearly for your self. Take some time, when you are feeling well to sit down with your support system and get your plan ready. Post it where you can see it and when you feel yourself falling into that hole, pull it out and use it as a resource. Let it do the thinking for you when you cannot do it for yourself.
Living with mental illness is a struggle. But it CAN be managed. Thank you for staying here, even when it is hard to do so.
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Yes, you read that right. I am quitting. I am going to stop this circus of being stuck inside my head. It’s been holding me back in my writing, parenting, and interactions with others for a long time, often making me feel as though I am not good enough at anything; a dangerous place to be when suffering from depression and anxiety.
I’m prone to the perfectionism trap as a writer and creative and it has swallowed me whole. I’ve been bogged down with feeling like I have to do everything: creating a platform, managing social media, writing a blog, writing the novel I’ve been working on since 2013, and a long list of other things indie authors are in charge of. I cannot get past the mental block inside myself when I write and often feel as though I fall short, unable to tell a good story or help anyone. All of this has become a vicious cycle of wanting to help but feeling as though I’m not, so I second guess everything and dig myself back into the hole I’ve tried so hard to get out of. Day after day the stress of being locked inside my head, analyzing every move I make, has forced me to pull away from my family and miss out on precious moments.
It’s tearing me apart. Outside I refuse to be a supermom, but inside I am doing just that, feeling like I have to do everything on my own.
I’m here to say, I can’t do it on my own. And that’s okay. Because I’ve realized I am the one holding me back. The constant chatter in my head fed by depression and anxiety has clouded everything I do; I often can’t see through the thick fog hanging over me. While I am okay for a while, it’s not long before the chatter starts again, and I fall right back into that dark place, defeated and stuck before I’ve even moved. That’s no way to live. 
This winter I’ve been caught in my own internal snowstorm, laden with icy comment daggers. Earlier I said I was quitting. Am I quitting writing? Absolutely not. Life without writing would be like hell. Am I quitting on myself? As much as my depression would like me to, I will not give up. But here’s what it does mean. It means that I am going to do things that make me feel worthwhile. And as I start to heal from all of this negative chatter and move forward, I will write about it and continue to write fiction stories. It’s time for me to step back get my priorities straight. I need to take care of myself or I fear I won’t be here to see what happens on the other side.
If you are struggling and want to give up, please don’t. Take a break. Do something you love. Give yourself permission to take the time to do these things, otherwise, you won’t be helping yourself at all.
I said in another blog post, “My illness doesn’t define me.” Your illness doesn’t define you either. Stay strong. You can quit the things that make you miserable but don’t give up on yourself. The world needs you.
This post also appears as a guest post on ConquerWorry.org
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Photos used under Creative Commons from Alessio Rolleri, MorseInteractive
