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Random Musings
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 In the distance, I can see,
Those whose lives are completely free. The chains that bind me threaten to kill, My strength is diminishing and I can’t stand still. I’m trying not to sink but it’s pulling me down, Voices constantly haunt me, And blackness is all around. I can’t get past the anger, self-doubt, and mistakes. Distortion has taken over, Convincing me to believe, I am not worth anything. Tired and lonely, Hating myself more all the time. Help me beat this raging war inside. I hear people say, Don’t give up so easily. Tomorrow is coming, And it will pass. Hold on for now, Help is coming fast. The life preserver is cast, And floats right before me. Do I reach a hold and go to shore? Or do I sink and let it all go? I’ve convinced myself this world is okay without me. But deep in my heart, I know it’s not true. For there are those who depend on me, Who anchor my feet so willing to fly. I can make it through this darkness, One step at a time. Help me see I am okay, Take this sadness, take this pain, Tear it away from me so I can start anew. Help me see and realize what is true. Calm and peaceful I can be, When sleep and calm thoughts are at my side. Tomorrow’s another day, There is light on the other side.
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 photo by stevepb via Pixabay We’ve had a lot of lemons thrown at us over the past few months. They’ve multiplied like little gremlins, taking over confidence, self care, and relationships within the family. They are like the endless winter which keeps hanging around, even though it’s April. I’m not tired of the cooler temperatures but I am tired of the lemons. They are starting to smell and eat away at me slowly. Today is the third day in a row I’ve been up at 5:30 am and let me tell you, I am NOT a morning person. Sleep is essential in my recovery process. And when I don’t sleep well I spiral quickly. I’ve been going through medicine changes which have caused my sleep to decline and my weight to pile on. The weight pile on has made my depression worse. I’ve tried to talk about my concerns with my therapist and those in my close knit group about weight and body issues but everyone seems to write it off and say it’s not a huge deal; reasoning everyone struggles with diet and weight. I’m not buying that. To some extent I know people struggle with it. But do they struggle with it so much that it COMPLETELY alters mood, self-esteem and daily life? I am also trying to learn how to live with chronic pain. Diagnosed with MPS (myofasical pain syndrome) this past year, I’ve had to learn how to live with flare ups and limited activity, which is hard for me. And here’s the catch. The medicine supposed to help with my pain is causing weight gain. And while I know many psychiatric medicines do have that side effect, it’s the one that troubles me most and makes my depression worse. So now I’m in a bind trying to decide: Do I keep on the Mrs helping the chronic pain or do I go off and deal with the pain? The past month has been a fog to me. In fact, I had lunch with my daughter the other day and I barely remember being with her. I often have memory problems, which I loathe entirely. It scares me for the future. My body moves around but my mind no longer moves with it. My mind is its own little person in a way, and it’s loving the depression and anxiety.  All Artwork and photos by Christy Zigweid - All Rights Reserved I’ve turned to art and sewing to help ease the pain of difficult days and try to keep myself busy. Being a SAHM is sometimes VERY lonely, especially when your kids are all in school. And I find pleasure in small moments. I’m making it work. I’m getting by. In the meantime, I’m still deciding if I want to make lemonade or throw them with great force back to wherever they are coming from. I hope you are not having a lemon kind of day. And if you are, know you are not alone. Take comfort in knowing it will get better in time and things will work themselves out (my husband tells me this all the time—but I’m not sure I believe him). We will have to wait and see how things pan out. Until next time, take care of you the best way you know how. Do what you love and surround yourself with coping strategies, lots of self-care and supportive people. And if you have to manage each day one minute at a time, then so be it. At least you are still moving forward. I am proud of you! I have a recurring memory every year around Black Friday. I'm standing in a store parking lot, waiting.
We move in small steps until finally we reach the door, and we weren't even at the end of the line. All of a sudden I'm in the middle of chaos. People grab shopping carts and push one another to get to the aisle they need. The moms get snippy with one another and I hear name calling and great big sighs. I look over and my mother is looking at me. "I'll go this way," she says pointing to the right of the store, "And you go that way." She nods her head to toward the left of the store. "And I'll meet you in the checkout!" I quickly walk down to where i need to go and that's when I see the worst of it. I'm in the toy isle with the other parents, watching in horror as they grab things from the shelf, push one another, and yell. When they are done. They act as if nothing happened and head out of the aisle. "There is NO WAY a toy is that important to me," I think to myself, as I stand in the aisle still staring.  Photo by Alexas_Fotos via Pixabay I tell myself if the gift is there I will get it and if not oh well, I didn't need it in the first place. I find what I wanted to get and head to the checkout. And as we left the store, I let out a huge sigh and felt the weight of the world fall off my shoulders, thankful we are done. But it doesn't last long as we pull into another store parking lot and people are acting just the same. I've never in my life seen grown women and men act like they did that day. I stopped going Black Friday shopping many years ago. As I grow older. I'm wondering how we all became so greedy to the point where we are thankful for what we have on Thanksgiving and the same night, or even the day after Thanksgiving we head right out to shop for everything we DON'T have (my daughter made the comment on Thanksgiving). I've been thinking about it ever since. It brings to mind a quote from The Grinch: "That's what it's all about, isn't it? That's what it's always been *about*. Gifts, gifts... gifts, gifts, gifts, gifts, gifts! You wanna know what happens to your gifts? They all come to me. In your garbage. You see what I'm saying? In your *garbage*. I could hang myself with all the bad Christmas neckties I found at the dump."
Dear Suicide:
Please stop trying to convince me I am not worthy of love, respect, feeling my feelings, and living. I have a mental illness but it doesn’t define me and I’m sorry you can’t handle that. I know you want my illness to take over and pull me into the depths of self-hatred. You get your power when I’m convinced I’m not worthy of this life.
You are a coward. And I’m done listening to you. Today I am taking my power back. Today I am going to take it one step at a time and turn my back on you. I no longer need your false validation to convince me people are better off without me, that this life is full of nothing but pain. I’m better off without you.
For so long I’ve sat with you on my shoulder, turning to you when life gets too hard, when I’m cruel to myself, and when others’ words hurt me. Surprisingly enough, you have been a comfort to me. Because I’ve always seen you as an option. But you are NOT and option any longer. You are NOT a comfort to me. You’ve fed off my insecurities and I’m sick of it. I hate you for intensifying my emotions and experiences to the point of feeling I have no other choice. I hate you for taking advantage of my weaknesses. I hate you for sitting on my shoulder and comforting me in my times of darkness. Today, I will join with my support system to kick you to the curb. While I’m not successful 100% of the time keeping you at bay, know that if you try to come back in I will kick you to the curb again and again and again. I will no longer let you control me. I will no longer miss out on the precious moments I too often fail to see. And most of all, I will no longer feed into your power and negativity. Because it is false. Because it is not the truth. And because I know deep down I am stronger than you. So good-bye suicide. Pack your bags and head to the door. You are no longer welcome here. Sincerely, I’m Too Strong For You If you’ve attempted suicide or thought of suicide, THANK YOU for holding on. I’m glad you are here.
Photo created using @WordSwagApp Photo by ElasticComputeFarm via Pixabay CC
**TRIGGER WARNING**
Suicide. It’s a nasty word we like to push under the rug and ignore. It’s an ugly stepsister and a relative we’d like to forget. But I assure you it is very real. And it’s time to start talking about it.
I’d like to share with you some statistics about suicide (http://afsp.org/about-suicide/suicide-statistics/):
Those are some staggering statistics, don’t you think?
I’ve never been personally affected by someone’s suicide before, but I have lived on the other side of suicide. It’s a horrible place to be. It tears at your soul and convinces you there is no other way and your loved ones are better off without you. You swear you are a burden to them. I’m here to tell you…nothing could be further from the truth. Our minds, when living with mental illness, are different. We aren’t martyrs or looking for attention. We are looking for a way out of the constant struggle and pain of living with mental illness. And in our minds, suicide is usually the only way out. When we get to this point, we can no longer make logical choices, especially when faced with strong emotions and thinking. When we get to this point, we are no longer in charge of ourselves. What to Do When the Emotions are Too Strong and You Want to Give Up
Take yourself in a quiet room and allow yourself to feel the awful emotions. Too often we medicate them or ignore them until they get so big we can’t ignore them. GIVE YOURSELF PERMISSION to FEEL those emotions. Release them in whatever way necessary, but do not punish yourself, harm yourself, or harm others. Do not let suicide win. Stay strong and know there is help.
Here are a Few Things you Need to Have
Taking care of yourself should be a priority as well. Eating right, exercising, and being kind to yourself should be part of your daily life.
If you fear for your safety, have someone lock up things which may be harmful to you; pills, guns, anything you can get away from your reach which you would use to harm yourself. This is not a sign of weakness or that you are a horrible person. It’s just that right now, you can’t be trusted with those things. And you have to allow yourself to let others protect you when you cannot protect yourself. Lastly, it’s important to have a safety plan (you can find a copy of one HERE), because the truth is, suicide may likely come up, and you need to have a plan for combating it, especially when you can’t think clearly for your self. Take some time, when you are feeling well to sit down with your support system and get your plan ready. Post it where you can see it and when you feel yourself falling into that hole, pull it out and use it as a resource. Let it do the thinking for you when you cannot do it for yourself.
Living with mental illness is a struggle. But it CAN be managed. Thank you for staying here, even when it is hard to do so.
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Yes, you read that right. I am quitting. I am going to stop this circus of being stuck inside my head. It’s been holding me back in my writing, parenting, and interactions with others for a long time, often making me feel as though I am not good enough at anything; a dangerous place to be when suffering from depression and anxiety.
I’m prone to the perfectionism trap as a writer and creative and it has swallowed me whole. I’ve been bogged down with feeling like I have to do everything: creating a platform, managing social media, writing a blog, writing the novel I’ve been working on since 2013, and a long list of other things indie authors are in charge of. I cannot get past the mental block inside myself when I write and often feel as though I fall short, unable to tell a good story or help anyone. All of this has become a vicious cycle of wanting to help but feeling as though I’m not, so I second guess everything and dig myself back into the hole I’ve tried so hard to get out of. Day after day the stress of being locked inside my head, analyzing every move I make, has forced me to pull away from my family and miss out on precious moments.
It’s tearing me apart. Outside I refuse to be a supermom, but inside I am doing just that, feeling like I have to do everything on my own.
I’m here to say, I can’t do it on my own. And that’s okay. Because I’ve realized I am the one holding me back. The constant chatter in my head fed by depression and anxiety has clouded everything I do; I often can’t see through the thick fog hanging over me. While I am okay for a while, it’s not long before the chatter starts again, and I fall right back into that dark place, defeated and stuck before I’ve even moved. That’s no way to live. 
This winter I’ve been caught in my own internal snowstorm, laden with icy comment daggers. Earlier I said I was quitting. Am I quitting writing? Absolutely not. Life without writing would be like hell. Am I quitting on myself? As much as my depression would like me to, I will not give up. But here’s what it does mean. It means that I am going to do things that make me feel worthwhile. And as I start to heal from all of this negative chatter and move forward, I will write about it and continue to write fiction stories. It’s time for me to step back get my priorities straight. I need to take care of myself or I fear I won’t be here to see what happens on the other side.
If you are struggling and want to give up, please don’t. Take a break. Do something you love. Give yourself permission to take the time to do these things, otherwise, you won’t be helping yourself at all.
I said in another blog post, “My illness doesn’t define me.” Your illness doesn’t define you either. Stay strong. You can quit the things that make you miserable but don’t give up on yourself. The world needs you.
This post also appears as a guest post on ConquerWorry.org
I have always been an artsy sort of person. When I was in elementary school I loved art and music class. I played the bells when I was a fifth grader (my one and only time playing in a band — ironic I married a band director). I sang in the choir throughout middle school and high school. I learned how to play the piano (my favorite instrument). I am a scrapbooker and make homemade cards. There is not one thing I do each day that doesn’t involve music or art on some level.
Why Music Matters for Healing
1. Music can help calm and soothe
I would venture to say many people have a song or type of music which calms them down. For me, it’s spa/instrumental music. For my husband, it’s obnoxious heavy metal music. I recently found an app called “Relax Melodies” (iTunes) (Android)which provides different music and sounds you can mix together to form your own unique sounds. I use these when I fly (I have horrible flying anxiety) and when I just want something soothing. You can also set the volume of each sound to your liking. My son uses this app every night when he goes to bed. Most nights I have it on to stop my mind from racing.
2. Music can motivate you
How many times have you been browsing the music section and seen compilations of music for working out? Or know people who have a set playlist they use when working or doing homework? How about someone who listens to a certain song before they get out of bed to help them start the day? I listen to music when I’m cleaning house, driving in the car, and writing, just to name a few. And I listen to music when I’m in the middle of a depressive episode. No matter the type of music, it can help us to be productive as well as calm us down.
3. Music can pull you out of a tough spot
THIS POST ALSO APPEARS AS A GUEST POST ON CONQUERWORRY.ORG
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Photo by Christy Zigweid
If you’ve spent any amount of time looking through my website, you will see I am a supporter of mental illness and advocacy. I also write fiction and blog posts that are hard to read because of their honesty. Why do I do this? Because I believe people shouldn’t have to suffer in silence.
As I write this I am very aware of the ripple effects it may have. But I've lived in silence too long and now it’s time to share my story. It’s time to step out of hiding and say “You can’t hold me down anymore. I will fight you each and every time, even if every time you make it harder and harder to crawl out.” I am not my illness.
I’ve battled depression and generalized anxiety disorder for many years (I was diagnosed in high school). I have worn the mask, hiding my illness from people, afraid if I let on just a little bit I was struggling, my friends and family would suffer. I live with darkness and suicide every day. It's a battle I’ve learned to manage. I sit with myself often, enduring the self-loathing my illness projects onto me, waiting until it passes. Sometimes that’s a few hours; sometimes it's days.
Yes, I’ve been there, staring suicide right in the face.
And while I know this will be hard for many to read (especially my family), it is a truth of my everyday life.
In my times of utter despair, I have to remind myself what I’ll be leaving behind if I go through with it. All I have to do is picture my husband and kids and while the power to give up overwhelms me, I hold on to that ONE thing. Because it’s my family who keeps me here. It’s my closest friends who remind me how much I’ve touched their lives, or their children’s lives, just by being me. Those are the things I hold on to. Those are the things that eventually pull me out and bring me back into what’s real.
Through the years my husband and I have learned to deal with the ups and downs, the good days and the bad.
We’ve worked out a system and we trudge on, knowing the downs will come again, but being better prepared each time for when they hit. This is why I am a supporter of mental health advocacy, suicide awareness, and suicide prevention.
Without the support of my husband, I don’t know that I would be here today writing about my story. My illness is very scary for those around me as well as for myself.
My husband only wants to help but often doesn’t know how. My children see the effects but don’t understand why mom is “sad” or “freaked out.” It’s hard watching your family struggle and knowing you are partially the cause. It’s scary sitting with your own thoughts, part of you knowing they are lying and part of you knowing they are not. It’s hard to sort through the truth and the lies.
I am learning to know myself better as a writer and as a person. And while I’ve been denying the truth about sharing my story, I've hindered progress in taking the right steps to move forward. Some people believe we have a “calling” in life. While I do not believe we have a pre-determined path to our lives, I do believe in fate. I do believe we are all here for a reason. I was born nearly three months early and weighed two pounds two ounces. At the time of my birth, hospitals were just figuring out how to care for premature babies. I survived.
I survive today, despite my illness telling me I have no purpose here. I will never be “cured,” just as someone with a chronic illness will tell you. But I can share my story with others. I can own my illness as part of me but not all of me.
I can continue to take care of myself and live out this “calling” I feel compelled to do.
I also credit people who have helped me step out on this limb. My husband, my very close friends, my writing group friends, a group called “This is My Brave," and Conquer Worry. These people have opened my eyes to the fact I don’t have to live in silence anymore, pretending to be something I am not. My illness is only a part of me. I am a wife, a mother, a sister, a daughter, and a human being. Do I have flaws? Absolutely, but they don’t define me and they are not “all” of me.
THIS POST ALSO APPEARS AS A GUEST POST ON CONQUERWORRY.ORG
I hated going to auctions when I was little. When the auctioneer started the bids, it was like sensory overload. I could never figure out what he was saying and all I wanted to do was run out the door. My anxiety feels exactly like that. Only certain words pop out and it’s always the bad ones. “What are you going to do when — happens?”, “You need to…”, “You should have…” Before I know it, I’m sick to my stomach, sweating, and feel like my heart is going to explode in my chest.
My mind becomes a flurry of unrelated racing thoughts that I cannot get together because they are all vying for attention at the same moment. The stronger the emotions get, the more I cannot focus. My body is in constant fight or flight mode from the minute I wake up until the minute I go to bed. And while I can dull my mind by watching TV, reading, listening to music, or playing a game, my anxiety is waiting for me when I stop those activities. I know I’ve had an anxious day when my teeth hurt from subconsciously clenching them, or when my head hurts most of the day or all of the muscles in my shoulders feel like a board across my back. When I’m in anxiety mode, I cannot concentrate. I cannot focus. I cannot think positively. The emotions and physical reactions are so strong I want to throw up and run away. I cannot remind myself that anxiety, like depression, is a liar. I’ve learned to recognize the signs of anxiety for myself: racing heart, teeth clenching, stomach aches, and sweaty hands. I’ve gotten so used to living with it I think there are times when I ignore it, which isn’t good. When I feel myself becoming anxious I try to get my logical mind involved, especially in cases where I am freaking out about something for an extended period of time. It’s helpful to repeat mantras like: “It’s not true.” or “That’s not happening right now, this minute.” I try hard to practice mindfulness, even though I struggle with focusing myself into the present. I sometimes call a friend or loved one and talk about what’s going on. I’ve found that if I journal about my anxiety, it loses its power and grip on me, and then I can logically think myself through it. For me, deep breathing exercises help the most as well as having a strong support system. Some anxiety is good for you, buying a house or car, moving to a new location, or having kids, just to name a few. But it can become a problem if it’s constant. Don’t feel bad about seeking help. Statistics state anxiety affects over 40 million adults in the US ages 18 and older but only about a third of those suffering get treatment. The CDC has a great section on their website of resources that are helpful. There are also many blogs out there to help with anxiety. The top anxiety blogs of 2015 can be found HERE. The most important thing to know is you are not alone. Anxiety is treatable. Help is out there.
Today I am featured as a guest blogger on This Is My Brave, Inc., a website dedicated to raising awareness about mental illness by sharing stories.
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