Please stop trying to convince me I am not worthy of love, respect, feeling my feelings, and living. I have a mental illness but it doesn’t define me and I’m sorry you can’t handle that. I know you want my illness to take over and pull me into the depths of self-hatred. You get your power when I’m convinced I’m not worthy of this life.
You are a coward. And I’m done listening to you. Today I am taking my power back. Today I am going to take it one step at a time and turn my back on you. I no longer need your false validation to convince me people are better off without me, that this life is full of nothing but pain. I’m better off without you.
For so long I’ve sat with you on my shoulder, turning to you when life gets too hard, when I’m cruel to myself, and when others’ words hurt me. Surprisingly enough, you have been a comfort to me. Because I’ve always seen you as an option. But you are NOT and option any longer. You are NOT a comfort to me. You’ve fed off my insecurities and I’m sick of it.
I hate you for intensifying my emotions and experiences to the point of feeling I have no other choice. I hate you for taking advantage of my weaknesses. I hate you for sitting on my shoulder and comforting me in my times of darkness.
Today, I will join with my support system to kick you to the curb. While I’m not successful 100% of the time keeping you at bay, know that if you try to come back in I will kick you to the curb again and again and again.
I will no longer let you control me. I will no longer miss out on the precious moments I too often fail to see. And most of all, I will no longer feed into your power and negativity. Because it is false. Because it is not the truth. And because I know deep down I am stronger than you.
So good-bye suicide. Pack your bags and head to the door. You are no longer welcome here.
I’m Too Strong For You
If you’ve attempted suicide or thought of suicide, THANK YOU for holding on. I’m glad you are here.
Suicide. It’s a nasty word we like to push under the rug and ignore. It’s an ugly stepsister and a relative we’d like to forget. But I assure you it is very real. And it’s time to start talking about it.
I’d like to share with you some statistics about suicide (http://afsp.org/about-suicide/suicide-statistics/):
Those are some staggering statistics, don’t you think?
I’ve never been personally affected by someone’s suicide before, but I have lived on the other side of suicide. It’s a horrible place to be. It tears at your soul and convinces you there is no other way and your loved ones are better off without you. You swear you are a burden to them.
I’m here to tell you…nothing could be further from the truth. Our minds, when living with mental illness, are different. We aren’t martyrs or looking for attention. We are looking for a way out of the constant struggle and pain of living with mental illness. And in our minds, suicide is usually the only way out. When we get to this point, we can no longer make logical choices, especially when faced with strong emotions and thinking. When we get to this point, we are no longer in charge of ourselves.
What to Do When the Emotions are Too Strong and You Want to Give Up
Take yourself in a quiet room and allow yourself to feel the awful emotions. Too often we medicate them or ignore them until they get so big we can’t ignore them. GIVE YOURSELF PERMISSION to FEEL those emotions. Release them in whatever way necessary, but do not punish yourself, harm yourself, or harm others. Do not let suicide win. Stay strong and know there is help.
Here are a Few Things you Need to Have
Taking care of yourself should be a priority as well. Eating right, exercising, and being kind to yourself should be part of your daily life.
If you fear for your safety, have someone lock up things which may be harmful to you; pills, guns, anything you can get away from your reach which you would use to harm yourself. This is not a sign of weakness or that you are a horrible person. It’s just that right now, you can’t be trusted with those things. And you have to allow yourself to let others protect you when you cannot protect yourself.
Lastly, it’s important to have a safety plan (you can find a copy of one HERE), because the truth is, suicide may likely come up, and you need to have a plan for combating it, especially when you can’t think clearly for your self. Take some time, when you are feeling well to sit down with your support system and get your plan ready. Post it where you can see it and when you feel yourself falling into that hole, pull it out and use it as a resource. Let it do the thinking for you when you cannot do it for yourself.
Living with mental illness is a struggle. But it CAN be managed. Thank you for staying here, even when it is hard to do so.
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No material on this website can be used without permission. All Rights Reserved. Christy Zigweid - 2018
**I am not a licensed counselor nor a medical doctor and the views on this website are solely mine. **
If you are in crisis and need immediate medical assistance, call 911 or the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273- (TALK) 8255 or text "Start" to 741-741