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Random Musings
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 Title photo done in Canva I have been a stay-at-home mom since the summer of 2007. I love my job. But there’s always been a silent, nagging enemy sitting on my shoulder. Guilt. He rears his ugly head and tries to convince me my decision to be at home is wrong and I should get a “real” job. It’s grown larger since my son entered kindergarten in 2013. Who was I to be at home when both of my kids were in school and my husband was working all day? Maybe it’s the hidden stigma of working at home. People assume you have nothing better to do with your time because you don’t actually “work” and can shift those responsibilities around because you do have flexibility. I read a great article about the stigma from Enteprenuer Magazine titled “4 Things No One Tells You About ‘Entrepreneur-ing’ From Home.” There’s a hidden expectation when your kids are school-aged and you’ve been a stay-at-home mom, you return to the workforce. I go back and forth between this often, sometimes allowing it to consume me to the point I don’t get anything done. It feeds my depression and anxiety. Guilt has often determined my worth as a mother and wife. I’ve let guilt convince me the decision I made to be home was wrong. What was I doing to myself by leaving the workforce? Were my kids really gaining anything by me being home? Why wasn’t I contributing financially? How could I focus on my writing when I didn’t have the means to help fund it by working?  Photo by FirmBee via Pixabay CC Somewhere along the way I convinced myself I had to make money outside of the home to make my family better, to make me better. If I was contributing financially I would be helping out. If I made more money I wouldn’t feel so guilty for being at home, especially now with writing, art, living with mental illness and chronic pain. The doctor bills often pile up, which is hard to process when I feel like I'm not contributing to the income. Deep down, truth is, this is where I’m supposed to be. I feel it in my soul, knowing my “calling” as some may say. Being here to play a game with my kids after school or know they’ve had a bad day and I’m there for them is important to me. Being able to spend quality time with them instead of frazzled, unconnected time (which would be the case for me if I returned to the workforce) is important to me. Spending quality time with my husband is important to me. Being here with my family and for my family is important to me.  Photo by Christy Zigweid - All Rights Reserved I have been truly blessed in this life and it’s time I start owning that. What do I do for a living? I’m a writer, mother, wife, card maker, scrapbooker, amateur artist, and blogger. Period. All of those things are where my talents lie. My passion is giving to my family, where I want and need to be. It is where I feel connected and worthy. For me, writing, making crafts, doing art, and taking care of my family is the thing I HAVE to do. Without it my life would be incomplete. And when I find myself leaning toward doubt and whether I made the wrong decision, I just remind myself, I am living my calling. What are your thoughts about following your own path and being being a stay-at-home mom/working mom? Let me know in the comments section or send a private message using my CONTACT ME page. If you are in crisis and need immediate medical assistance, call 911 or the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273- (TALK) 8255 or text "Start" to 741-741
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 In the distance, I can see,
Those whose lives are completely free. The chains that bind me threaten to kill, My strength is diminishing and I can’t stand still. I’m trying not to sink but it’s pulling me down, Voices constantly haunt me, And blackness is all around. I can’t get past the anger, self-doubt, and mistakes. Distortion has taken over, Convincing me to believe, I am not worth anything. Tired and lonely, Hating myself more all the time. Help me beat this raging war inside. I hear people say, Don’t give up so easily. Tomorrow is coming, And it will pass. Hold on for now, Help is coming fast. The life preserver is cast, And floats right before me. Do I reach a hold and go to shore? Or do I sink and let it all go? I’ve convinced myself this world is okay without me. But deep in my heart, I know it’s not true. For there are those who depend on me, Who anchor my feet so willing to fly. I can make it through this darkness, One step at a time. Help me see I am okay, Take this sadness, take this pain, Tear it away from me so I can start anew. Help me see and realize what is true. Calm and peaceful I can be, When sleep and calm thoughts are at my side. Tomorrow’s another day, There is light on the other side.  photo by stevepb via Pixabay We’ve had a lot of lemons thrown at us over the past few months. They’ve multiplied like little gremlins, taking over confidence, self care, and relationships within the family. They are like the endless winter which keeps hanging around, even though it’s April. I’m not tired of the cooler temperatures but I am tired of the lemons. They are starting to smell and eat away at me slowly. Today is the third day in a row I’ve been up at 5:30 am and let me tell you, I am NOT a morning person. Sleep is essential in my recovery process. And when I don’t sleep well I spiral quickly. I’ve been going through medicine changes which have caused my sleep to decline and my weight to pile on. The weight pile on has made my depression worse. I’ve tried to talk about my concerns with my therapist and those in my close knit group about weight and body issues but everyone seems to write it off and say it’s not a huge deal; reasoning everyone struggles with diet and weight. I’m not buying that. To some extent I know people struggle with it. But do they struggle with it so much that it COMPLETELY alters mood, self-esteem and daily life? I am also trying to learn how to live with chronic pain. Diagnosed with MPS (myofasical pain syndrome) this past year, I’ve had to learn how to live with flare ups and limited activity, which is hard for me. And here’s the catch. The medicine supposed to help with my pain is causing weight gain. And while I know many psychiatric medicines do have that side effect, it’s the one that troubles me most and makes my depression worse. So now I’m in a bind trying to decide: Do I keep on the Mrs helping the chronic pain or do I go off and deal with the pain? The past month has been a fog to me. In fact, I had lunch with my daughter the other day and I barely remember being with her. I often have memory problems, which I loathe entirely. It scares me for the future. My body moves around but my mind no longer moves with it. My mind is its own little person in a way, and it’s loving the depression and anxiety.  All Artwork and photos by Christy Zigweid - All Rights Reserved I’ve turned to art and sewing to help ease the pain of difficult days and try to keep myself busy. Being a SAHM is sometimes VERY lonely, especially when your kids are all in school. And I find pleasure in small moments. I’m making it work. I’m getting by. In the meantime, I’m still deciding if I want to make lemonade or throw them with great force back to wherever they are coming from. I hope you are not having a lemon kind of day. And if you are, know you are not alone. Take comfort in knowing it will get better in time and things will work themselves out (my husband tells me this all the time—but I’m not sure I believe him). We will have to wait and see how things pan out. Until next time, take care of you the best way you know how. Do what you love and surround yourself with coping strategies, lots of self-care and supportive people. And if you have to manage each day one minute at a time, then so be it. At least you are still moving forward. I am proud of you! 
I have always been an artsy sort of person. When I was in elementary school I loved art and music class. I played the bells when I was a fifth grader (my one and only time playing in a band — ironic I married a band director). I sang in the choir throughout middle school and high school. I learned how to play the piano (my favorite instrument). I am a scrapbooker and make homemade cards. There is not one thing I do each day that doesn’t involve music or art on some level.
Why Music Matters for Healing
1. Music can help calm and soothe
I would venture to say many people have a song or type of music which calms them down. For me, it’s spa/instrumental music. For my husband, it’s obnoxious heavy metal music. I recently found an app called “Relax Melodies” (iTunes) (Android)which provides different music and sounds you can mix together to form your own unique sounds. I use these when I fly (I have horrible flying anxiety) and when I just want something soothing. You can also set the volume of each sound to your liking. My son uses this app every night when he goes to bed. Most nights I have it on to stop my mind from racing.
2. Music can motivate you
How many times have you been browsing the music section and seen compilations of music for working out? Or know people who have a set playlist they use when working or doing homework? How about someone who listens to a certain song before they get out of bed to help them start the day? I listen to music when I’m cleaning house, driving in the car, and writing, just to name a few. And I listen to music when I’m in the middle of a depressive episode. No matter the type of music, it can help us to be productive as well as calm us down.
3. Music can pull you out of a tough spot
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Photos used under Creative Commons from Alessio Rolleri, MorseInteractive
